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I Almost Blew Up On My Son...

My 7 year old son and my 3 year old daughter were playing in their cave aka under kitchen the table, as I was watching. She had hit him in the face by mistake. She apologized. He forgave her. And then he proceeded to over do it, as kids do. He went into this whole drama scene.

But then I saw it. The reason for my trigger.

The reason I almost blew the hell up and cursed my 7 year old son the hell out as if he were a grown man. The trigger that made me want to grab my daughter and run the hell away. Literally run-the-hell-away. I felt rage boil in me right up from my toes, I mean from the tip of my toenail, slowly rise and rise and rise through my veins.

I will never pretend to be the mother society expects, psychology expects, religion expects and not even that my mother or mother-in-law expects. And never the altruistic adoptive mother that people somehow associate with me every time I tell them I'm an adoptive mother. I’m human, born perfectly and created perfectly, with human emotions and a history of severe trauma, about which I make healing discoveries on the weekly, if not on the daily. I blow up from time to time. I yell because I’m enraged. I reprimand longer than I need to or even want to because ‘ego’ wants to “make sure” his 7 year old traumatized and often discombobulated mind comprehends adult psychological themes… silly. Yes, in other words, I get very very silly in my parenting. Sometimes repeating patterns that I am actively working on breaking and replacing.

This trigger was different, just a little. It was like my 3 year old’s life pattern and future flashed before my eyes. Like I saw the next 40 years of her life before me. A life where religion and patriarchal societal norms get to tell her about her unworthiness, her “lesser yet equal” role in family and marriage, her ‘subservient to the greater good’ purpose, the prescribed and boxed in meaning of her life, their bestowal of a lesser, quieter, and subtler, yet "equal" power as the “neck that turns the head” - yet, never-meant-to-lead, kind of power. I saw the fear-based, ego-driven, patriarchal monster looming over my daughter as I saw him withdraw his attention and love with the subconscious intention of making her beg for it.

I was enraged at the history, the culture, the standards, the destiny poured into him.

But I had been reading. I had been meditating. I had been doing my self healing through Reiki. I had been contemplating themes and courses for the women that I serve in 2022. I had been transforming over the last few weeks.

What did I do?

I sent my son to his room to play while I recollected myself.

I recollected myself and spoke truths to myself about what he knows, what he’s been taught and my current role in righting the wrongs.

I accepted those truths.

I breathed.

I grabbed my daughter and reaffirmed over and over and over again.

You are worthy.

You are loved and worthy of love and attention always.

I gave her energy healing and Reiki.

I spoke to her subconscious, to her soul, to the essence behind her beautiful eyes.

I hugged and loved on her.

When she seemed to be out of that ‘spell’, I tickled her.

I took my son out of his room and explained that we don’t treat anyone that way, especially girls. I explained some things we can do if we’re still hurting. I explained that she is worthy of love and attention, always. We don’t try to make people beg for that.

He’s 7. I spoke to his subconscious, to his soul, to the essence behind his beautiful eyes, to the man that society will receive one day.

I hugged him.

I gave him energy healing and Reiki a little later when my spirit was a little more aligned.

I let them play and be kids under my watchful eye.

I share this to bring awareness.

I share this to bring confirmation.

I share this to set someone free.

I share this to let someone know, mother/woman/wife/daughter, you are not alone. I see you.

I share this to let someone know she is worthy, she is loved and worthy of love and attention, always, regardless of how you were/are being treated. The offender may not know or be aware. But you are. At least now you are a little more aware.

Transform my beloved.

Be free. and Set others free.

If you’re wanting more conversation, tips, tricks, hacks, recommendations, and opportunities for transformation and energy healing, join my facebook group, Release That Ish Power Circle. I lovingly welcome you in.

Sending you love and power,

La Toya

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